Sunday, June 12, 2011

6/12/2011 - The Final Frontier

Well we can start the countdown, kids. If things go according to plan (and you KNOW they always do) I should be delivering in 11 days. Whew!
Everyone always complains about the last few weeks of pregnancy. I thought it was mainly due to discomfort, which certainly is part of it, but there is so much more than that.
It is uncomfortable. My belly feels like if it stretches anymore, I'll burst. Picking stuff up off the floor or tying your shoes, as I've mentioned before, is crazy uncomfortable. If you stand for too long, your back hurts. The Braxton Hicks' contractions are coming much more regularly so you feel as though your belly (uterus) is on constant lock down. The baby is big now and strong as a bull, apparently, and the movements, although not as busy, hurt a hell of a lot more. Especially when it waits until you bend over to deliver a kick to the underside of your ribs. I couldn't point to my intestines now if you paid me and when I get that I-have-to-go feeling, it's no longer in my lower abdomen, it's somewhere in my side. I didn't eat for three hours today while we were at a baby care class (more on that later) and by the time we got home I was shaking so violently I had to lay down right on the kitchen floor. Sleeping sucks now because you have to get up to pee three times, rather than once or twice AND each time you get up it feels as though you haven't allowed yourself to pee in weeks. It HURTS. If you stay in a sleeping position too long and then decide to move, awful cramps wrack your belly and sides. That's just the physical parts. People out in public start talking about you like you aren't even there. I got out of the pool at the gym the other day and one of the two gents in the hot tub said to the other "Whoa! She's gonna POP! I hope it's not here!". WTF? I can hear you, asshole.
Mentally, you know you've carried this baby around for 10 months. Enough is enough. You're tired, you want your body back, your old sleep patterns, the ability to touch the floor without barfing, but you also want to meet your baby. What will it look like? When is it coming!? So, all of this plus the anticipation and anxiety over having a baby come in to your life. It's exhausting!
We took a Baby Care Basics class today at a local hospital that was about 10% informative and 90% boring as hell. They actually had a five minute discussion on how you should never shake your baby. Um, does this need to be taught? Although, one father-to-be raised his hand and asked if we should be buying "those helmets" for our babies to protect them from bumping their heads against lord-knows-what, so maybe things do warrant explaining. They talked about "tummy time" and "kangaroo parenting" and all sorts of ridiculously named activities you can do with your baby. I think I can figure that much out.
The class after (which we did NOT sign up or stay for) was a breastfeeding class. We all know where I stand on this so I won't bring it up again but I do have to say this...WITH MEN??? A room full of men going through 2 hours of breastfeeding lecture!?! Is that really the place for MEN? I'm sorry! Call me old-fashioned but that gave me the vapors something FIERCE! Even if my plan was to breastfeed, I'd sit there and learn it next to some random dude over my dead body! Talking about nipples and sucking and...oh my god. I'm going to faint. Why does this birthing thing have to be such a "both of us" experience!? Is nothing sacred? Can us women have nothing private anymore? Things just to ourselves that we can share and talk about and support each other with? What next? Inviting your man to come to your annual pap-smear? What about the colonoscopy? I get that he's a part of the baby too, but he doesn't need to be EVERY part of it when it resides in my body. The day they figure out how to allow men to have babies, we'll be signing up for another one. Until then, settle back with your scotch, put your feet up and watch baseball on the hospital's waiting room TV. I got this shit.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

6/8/2011 - These are nacho boobs!

The other morning I woke up without the help of an alarm or a cat meowing in my ear or a truck rattling by. It was a lovely Sunday morning and I had nothing to do. I rolled over to find SH reading a book about baby sleep patterns in the bed next to me. I smiled.
"Good morning"
He looked over and began to smile than stopped, pointed his finger toward my tank top and said
"I think you leaked"
"What? Leaked WHAT?" I looked down at the chest of my white tank and saw a crusty stain the size of a quarter right over the ol' nip. Here is the gross part. The perimeter of the stain was a very light whitish color, almost the same color as my tank. The inside of this stain, however, was the exact color of queso dip. Look people, you gotta take the good with the bad here. Stay with me.
I sat up
"Oh, no. I don't think that's what it is. Maybe the dryer had some rust in it." I scratched the stain. Nope. It was crusty all right.
"If you say so"
"Damn it! That's disgusting!! What IS that? Why is it that color?"
I ran to the bathroom to pre-treat. So much for my relaxing morning.

Long before I ever thought I would get pregnant, I had a theory. It was simple; you do not have to simply give up when you become pregnant. Now, since I was never pregnant, I was met with a lot of negative feelings. A bunch of you-have-no-idea-what-it's-like's and a slew of just-wait-until-you're-pregnant's. Well I am now pregnant. I do have a very good idea and I still say movement and self-confidence is a very very good thing. Both alleviate all sorts of problems. Like I always say, having a bad day? Nothing some high heels and red lipstick can't fix.
The other day I saw a pregnant woman on the street and stopped to talk to her. She was leaning back, legs splayed with one hand on her back. I thought she was literally laboring, just walking through the neighborhood and getting through it. I asked how far along she was.
"29 weeks"
Now that I'm in this club I feel like so many women read the back of the label in pregnancy. You know what I mean? You get some weird pills from your doc and read "May cause drowsiness, headaches, nausea and vomiting" and by noon, you are CONVINCED you  have all of those symptoms. I think some of us convince ourselves that it's going to be SO this or SO that, that we don't really stay in the moment and experience it. Yeah, I hate pregnancy. It sucks. Or rather, blows. I am not a fan of sharing my body, or of having my ribs kicked and my bladder pummeled randomly throughout the day, but I'm not incapacitated! I am two weeks from my due date and I am still at the gym every day. I don't waddle, I never have my hand on my back, it doesn't take me 5 minutes to sit on the couch or get up from it. I still wear my wedding band, my feet haven't swollen or changed size and the maternity clothes I bought in month 5 still fit perfectly. I am not saying this to brag or come off as better than the next, but merely to say I'm not some crazy anomaly. I'm not "blessed" (as someone at the gym told me the other day), it's not because I have "good genes" (another ridiculous comment), it's because I am doing everything I did before I became pregnant and everyone else can too.
Our birthing class was full of women who required (or put on like they did) their husbands to help them up or rub their feet during class (now, don't think I don't enjoy a solid foot rub at days end) or get them water from two feet away.
Ladies! We are stronger than this! We are growing a LIFE inside of us that we will ALL push out of our vaginas (or have ripped from our abdomens in SURGERY) sooner or later. Why not give yourself a fighting chance here!? A little CREDIT! Stop with the excuses and the inability to go through life like you used to! Get moving. Stop expecting everything bad to happen and just sit there waiting. Please! I can't take it!

Friday, June 3, 2011

6/3/2011 - Kill Me

Yeah, it's been a while since my last post. I had a bunch of stuff to update you with but now I've forgotten all of it. How awesome!
I woke up today feeling pretty depressed. Just another perk of pregnancy hormones is my guess, and since that time I have not only experienced the blues, but also more throw up and now diarrhea.
I met up with a friend for coffee early this morning and on the way there decided to eat a banana to get something in my system (I woke up feeling nauseous). When I arrived I had a 1/2 caf latte and a cherry turnover. Both left me feeling gross. I explained my blues to my friend who said it sounded more like anxiety and I have to say, I agree. Except I'm not anxious about anything. But I'm super negative and down in the dumps which is not like me at all. Anywho, I digress.
After coffee I came home and changed to go to the gym. That's when the throw up happened followed in quick succession by the diarrhea (good thing I chose the bathroom sink to wretch in this time). On the way to the gym I felt another wave of puke coming on and thought I should eat something more so I downed 1/3 of a Mountain Mojo bar. Usually, I love these. Today it made me sick. Got to the gym and, of course, pushed myself way too hard in class. Came home from the gym so nauseous I had to lay down. I realized that I was hungry beyond belief but NOTHING sounded good to me.  I tried to create meals in my mind. I thought about what kind of take out was around. The only thing that sounded good was Kraft Mac 'n' Cheese and a diet cherry Coke. Sick. Plus, I don't have either in the house. So, I stayed in my sweaty gym clothes, threw on some Croc's with my socks and carelessly schlepped back out to the market to get these items. This is also something I never do. Whenever I go in public, I always try to make myself presentable. I couldn't be less so today.
Now, let's add the nutrients of my day so far. Banana, a "fake" fruit as it's basically all sugar, non-fat latte, a little calcium and vitamin D, cherry turnover, nothing but sugar and carbs, Mountain Mojo, very little protein and a lot of carbs, and now mac 'n' cheese and a coke. Carbs. Carbs. Carbs. Protein, where are you?
I think I can hear my baby screaming to get out.
I took a belly shot at 35 weeks, even though I'm 37 now. I'll show it anyway so you can track this frightening progression.

And now, 37. Hold on to your ass...

Just so you're not totally alarmed, my belly skin is red on the Week 37 shot because SH and I went to the beach and got ourselves some massive sunburns. I did think enough to put SPF 70 around my belly button, which is why it looks like a white bulls eye.
Well folks, turns out pregnancy isn't all fast cars and loose women. It really does blow.