Monday, July 4, 2011

7/3/2011 - The Aftermath

Hey all! I've decided to write about my labor and delivery separate from this entry so you don't have to read nine pages of text. You're welcome.
For all who don't know (you all do), I gave birth to a healthy 6lb 6.6oz (yep, 666, no DOUBT!) boy on June 16th. And yeah, I'm just getting around to writing about all the great things that happen once you push a life out of your lady parts.
This entry is filled with lots and lots of gory details and a few non-gory photos (sorry, if only I had thought this through more) - most of which I had NO idea about. Moms, take this as a walk down memory lane. Non-moms, let this be your warning. Men, just be happy you were born with a penis.
Let's begin our journey with what happens "down stairs".
Once the epidural wears off (mine took effect after the birth, thank you very much) it feels as though someone has kicked your lady parts with a steel-toe boot while you were lying down in a naked split-eagle. I actually wasn't sure which part down there hurt worse and I was so scared that both my vagina and anus were distended that I had to have a nurse check. Luckily, they were not. I also made it through without hemorrhoids, but I had the ol' girl check for those as well.
After the delivery I was quickly put into some form of an adult diaper that was held on by fishnet boy shorts. This is not meant to be a flirty description, you can see from the photo below.
Also I was escorted into the bathroom by a nurse to pee for the first time so she could measure the blood bath that spewed forth and show me how I was to wipe myself.
She filled up a squirty bottle with warm water, squatted in front of my biz and proceeded to hose me down, warning "Make sure when you do this you clean up all the wee wee." Wee wee? At 33? Awesome.
Below is a photo of the bottle, diaper and underwear. Don't worry, they weren't used.

I was also told to pat dry so as not to tear anything. Comfortable!
What else? I had to sit on an ice pack for hours at a time to help with the swelling and take Motrin and...wait for it...stool softeners every 5 hours. I am telling you, the thought of producing a bowel movement at a time like that scared me more than the delivery part. I kept telling the nurses that there was NO WAY I could go without fully losing all of my intestines in the toilet. They reassured me that was what the stool softeners were for. Lord!
Back to the swelling. After I got out of the shower for the first time and padded around naked I actually felt my lady parts on my upper thighs. THAT'S RIGHT! Swollen to like 3 times the normal size.
I couldn't sit up, and getting out of that hospital bed was a nightmare. Swinging my legs over the edge and praying to get my ass off the side with only minimal pain.
After the trauma that my midsection endured the last 3 months, my abs felt so much like a warm Jell-o mold that I was really unable to sit up anyway. In fact, the minute my doctor pulled the baby out I felt my stomach and cried a little. It was like warm porridge.
My spine hurt like hell where the epidural was put in and leaning on it only made it worse.
Once I got home I took a mirror to  my lady parts and HOLY SHIT!!!!! I was not prepared for what I saw. It looked like a sad, purple hound dog that perpetually drools blood, I shit you not. And I was really sad that I didn't make a last minute bikini wax appointment, not only because my doctor had to be subjected to a rather unkempt southern region, but because NOTHING is touching there for a long long time. Hello Chewbacca!
At the suggestion of my sister in law, I had Sweet Husband go out and buy a donut for me to enjoy. Here is what I sat on for the better part of a week!
Three days after the delivery, the milk demons visited my boobs and enlarged them to three times their normal size. I have never seen a bigger rack on a small gal. They were also as soft as bricks and hurt like HELL. Every time the baby cried they started to ache and leak like hell PLUS I had to keep them strapped down under an ace bandage and an XS sports bra. Forget a shower, I couldn't touch them to ANYTHING. Burping the baby was one of the most painful experiences of my LIFE. They were hot and painful and swollen and miserable. It took about a week for them to settle down.
I think that's the gist of what happened. If I think of anything else I'll be sure to post it.

Here is a list of things that did NOT happen, though I was definitely expecting;
I did not get stretch marks
I do not have floppy boobs
My ankles/fingers didn't swell
My feet never grew
I didn't get a backache nor did I feel the contractions in my back
I didn't get "pregnancy nose" (apparently it's "pig-like") or a puffy appearance
And although my lady parts feel as though I banged a rolled up cylinder of carpeting, the size and shape is back to normal.
Now, if only I could say the same about my sleep...

7/27 - Addendum
I thought of a few more things that I didn't include in here.
First of all, it was my taint (for those of you who aren't versed with this word, that's the space between a lady's vagina and anus, or for the fellas, the scrotum and anus) that hurt for WEEKS after childbirth, not my vagina as I had fully prepared for. In fact, my vagina felt fine about 4 days after. The taint still bothers me and it's been almost 6 weeks.
Second! The bleeding after. I was prepared for 7-14 days and got to experience a SOLID 5 week "period". That's right! I even had to cancel my doctor appointment for the after check up because it was so nasty. That's a 35 day period people. It almost made up for all those weeks I got to skip while being pregnant.
And finally, anal incontinence. Yeah, you heard me. I have prided myself on holding back any sort of gas around Sweet Husband since the day I met him 4 years ago. The morning after the birth he crawled into bed with me at the hospital and I felt one coming on. Try as I might to squeeze (and let me tell you, even the THOUGHT of squeezing anything down there is quite daunting), out it came. I didn't say a word. Then SH said "Honey?" OMG!!!!! I farted on my husband! ON him! Not around him, not near him, ON HIM. How the mighty have fallen.

I am also going to start a sort of sister blog regarding the JOYS of parenting! Stay tuned!

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