Hiya folks! Here I am, fat as ever! Just in case you aren't quite sure what hell is, allow me to explain. Hell is when you work out 10 hours a week, eat right and sleep tight and your stomach and hips just keep getting bigger and bigger and bigger. Breathe in, breathe out.
Even though I talk about it, let me tell you it is NOT okay for casual acquaintances to talk about my weight. Ever. Think of it as you saying "God, my mom is such a bitch" and then having an acquaintance say "How's your bitchy mom?". So not the same. Look, I get it. I teach exercise classes, my body is on display every week all week. Members have always felt some sort of freedom talking about my body, but things are happening to me that I can not control and it is not due to diet or exercise, laziness or excuses so shut your fat mouths! DO NOT ask me how much weight I've gained as if it's any of your goddamn business, do not tell me that I look as though I've eaten too much lately and then turn to laugh with others and do not jokingly begin referring to me as "Bigger Mama" when you have always referred to me as "Lil' Mama". None of this is funny and none of this will be tolerated. Especially if you catch me on an "off" day like today, you might not be so lucky as to just get a sigh and an eye roll. You might get a slap in the mouth like you deserve.
Now, on to my title rant. Here's what I love (that is sarcastic). Women who have had children LOVE to corner the newly married, childless women and begin chatting up the merits of motherhood.
"When are you having a baby?? Babies are so amazing!"
"Why aren't you pregnant yet? You've been married a month!"
"You HAVE to have children. It's the most wonderful and rewarding thing you'll ever do."
"No woman is complete without a baby. They just bring such joy, you have no idea."
Then you actually do get pregnant (not due to anything they have said, mind you) and these same baby-loving women now show their true colors.
"Oh!! You and your husband have Martini Sunday where you mix cocktails and enjoy each others company? Bwah!! Say good bye to that!"
"Enjoy your trip to Hawaii, it'll be the last trip you take for the next 18 years!"
"You sleep 8 hours a night? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I haven't slept more than 4 hours in the last 16 years!"
"Oh, you live in a quiet house? Not for long!"
"You'll learn to stop buying expensive clothes once you realize how much babies throw up!"
And they get such great joy from saying these things. Where were these cynical bitches months ago? Gone are the "joys of motherhood" stories and in march the horror stories.
It's way beyond annoying.
So listen up world outside of my 7 followers! Stop with the body comments and stop with the motherhood-sucks-but-look-I'm-Jesus-on-my-self-made-crucifix tales BUT feel free to continue staring at my huge jugs. I'm about to say goodbye to my A-cups and introduce myself to the B world. Perhaps this is merely purgatory...