Friday, January 7, 2011

1/7/2011 - Hello In There

Hello all! Happy New Year! I am happy to report my sister in law has successfully delivered her baby and at record speed no less! Excellent role modeling! Welcome to the world Leilani!
While in Hawaii I had convinced myself that, somehow, I had killed my fetus. Or that maybe it just died on its own, I guess I didn't have to play a starring role in it's demise. But, it was dead none-the-less. Why, you ask? One morning I woke up and my morning sickness was gone. GONE. Like THAT. No throwing up, no nausea (except when thinking about consuming chicken/spinach/kalamata olives), nothing. I felt great. I also felt absolutely nothing in my swollen gut. Well, except gas but that's hardly the point. I digress. The dead fetus. So I asked my sister-in-law, who is a nurse, if my fetus could just die and then sit in there and rot. Apparently not, but I think there's a first time for everything. Well, I went in for my scheduled appointment yesterday (notice the death of the little bugger didn't get me to hustle in any earlier) and told my doctor it was dead. She laughed (bless her) and said "I take it the morning sickness has stopped". Just when I thought she couldn't get any more rad. "Uh, yeah" "It's the next logical step to take. I feel sick. I feel fine. I feel nothing. Baby is dead. But it isn't, I assure you." Prove it! So she got that little thingamajig that looks like a small, boring version of the Fisher-Price radio with microphone and jabbed it into my stomach in search of a heart beat. Nothing. I'm telling you, she looked worried for a minute. "Have you had any cramping?" "Nope." I said, lifting my hands to rest behind my head and sitting back with the smug satisfaction that I was about to blow her mind. She furrowed her brows and dug in harder "Ouch!" Thud-thud Thud-thud Thud-thud. There it was. She smiled. Damn it! Is it evil to be mad about being wrong here?
15 weeks, 4 days. Still alive, though I'm not sure how. Total weight gain for all who are feverishly tabulating (and there certainly are a few of you), 3#. 125 and growing, oh man am I.
I've totally busted open this notion of a "glowing" pregnant woman. Some of you sadists actually say "I never felt better than when I was pregnant!" or "I wish I could be pregnant all the time!" For those of you who have never been pregnant let me tell you that either these people are LYING, love the hell out of an excuse to sit on their asses and eat all day long OR they've never EVER taken any sort of recreational drugs. I have certainly felt better than this. on some of my worst non-pregnant days. The first 3 1/2 months are awful, as you recall. Feeling hungover and sick every day. Exhausted beyond belief. Food makes you want to die. Then you get past it and you feel...normal. Back to how you felt before this whole thing started. You wake up and think about your day FIRST instead of how fast you can make it to the toilet (kitchen sink). You start making plans with friends that start (not end) at 8pm without having to take a barf bag in your purse. Then you start comparing it to how you felt. You decide you now feel AMAZING. When in fact what you feel is BACK TO NORMAL. So you tell everyone how great you feel, and since you're full of zest and smiles, people tell you that you're glowing. But really, you're just happy to have your face out of the toilet (kitchen sink) for more than an hour.
So you see, the I've-never-felt-better's or the You-are-positively-GLOWING's are just a reaction of you feeling like you again.
I've done cracked the case, people!
My big boobs and I are signing off.

1 comment:

  1. WHAT? No more barfing? Just when I thought I had found the only other person that could understand barfing 24/7/8(months)! Thank God for garbage disposals! Well, congrats sweetheart, now you can watch as those lbs. pile on! JK, sort of!