Thursday, March 24, 2011

3/24/2011 - Attack of the Body Snatcher

My little nugget here has finally figured out that the room it has been able to enjoy for so long is slowly (or not so slowly) coming to an end. As this baby gets bigger (and BOY is it bigger!) the space with which it used to swim with reckless abandon is now closing in fast. The way Baby J has decided to cope with this is what we might refer to as "living it up while you still can". Somersaults happen almost every hour on the hour and the newest thing it's learned to do is lodge some part of its body up under my ribcage just shy of my sternum. I can't really describe this feeling other than to say it's terribly uncomfortable. It feels like you have this MASSIVE burp coming on. A room-clearer. And just when you gear up for it...nothing. But the pressure still remains, like someone pausing in the middle of the upthrust while administering the Heimlich. And you just be careful not to force this pretend burp or you'll be back to square one, puking in your cupped hands.
I've also noticed this happens with my intestines. Baby J will wedge in at some point in my intestinal tract and I'll feel as though I have to pass gas like never before. I run from the room (of course I do not pass gas in front of SH, even though many people told me I'd "get over that" once I was pregnant. Not so!) only to discover it was never gas in the first place. What the hell!? I can feel it rolling over slowly, elbowing whatever it can on its slow flip and positioning itself in the worst position it can find. If this is a window into what's to come, I may not be joking about leaving for Palm Springs for the first year.
With all of these maternity pants that now make up 1/2 of my wardrobe, I am completely convinced I'm going to forget how to operate a zipper and button when the time comes. Getting dressed? Pull your pants up! Going to the bathroom? Pull your pants down! I feel like a 2 year old wearing Pull Ups! Try being sexy with elastic waist pants. Go ahead! The days of being undressed by my husband (even his eyes, let's be honest) are over. I mean does "Hook your thumbs into my elastic waist band and tug honey" sound sexy? Jesus! Now it's more like "Close your wait, turn off the light, close your eyes and pretend you're a contestant on Double Dare and there's a million dollar pot on the line!"
Wait until you get a load of these picture. Holy bejezuz...
And just you wait! The best is yet to come!

I am the mother fucking walrus! It looks like an adult sized human head is trying to bust through my abdomen!
Sweet Husband actually said "Eh, the shadows make it look bigger than it is". The shadows! Ha! Isn't he a dear. Check out my poor little ribcage trying to simultaneously hold on to both its positioning and its dignity! As if to say "I will not be pushed any further!" Oh but I fear you will, dear ribcage. I fear you will.
I was reading in a book the other day (I'll just go ahead and quote this) "Women who have previously been worried about their body size may for once be reconciled with their larger shape and positively enjoying it. Some women become deeply attached to their growing bump and a little sad at the prospect of losing it." Losing it?? I almost lost my SANITY when I read that! I jabbed a sleeping SH in the ribs and yelled that entry at him. Enjoying it? Sad to see it go? You know what I see every time I look in the mirror? A hell of a lot of hard work ahead of me. I hope the gym allows tenants.
And, our last stop, Sarcasm Station!
You know what I love? When people ask me questions that I am in no way capable of answering. These usually come from gym members, but not always. Questions like;
So, when are you going on leave?
When are you coming back?
How long are you going to be out for?
Are you going to go through the birth without drugs?
People! Have I ever given birth before?? I have no idea! How could I?! What does it take to recover enough to jump around with weights like a crazy person? 2 weeks? 2 months? 2 years?? How long does it take to sit down and not jump up from the pain? I don't KNOW! But you know what question I'D like someone to answer for ME? How long after birth does your vagina feel as though you copulated with a hot curling iron? Riddle me that, batman!
JJ, out.

1 comment:

  1. The fact that you have such an active lifestyle pre-baby means that you will be able to re-group faster and be back in those button/zipper jeans you hung up a few months ago sooner rather than later.

    And...despite how you may feel you look (which is totally legit, I'm not knockin it)- I think you look great! Try having someone say "congratulations! when are you due?" to you on a RANDOM day, when you AREN'T expecting... THAT made me want to just burn my wardrobe and swallow a bottle of TrimSpa.