Tuesday, April 12, 2011

4/12/11 - Sicilian Smile

My belly button feels like it's going to rip open at any moment. I did make a snide comment to my doctor a month ago about how I wanted this baby to come out.
Her "So, we going natural or should we start talking about scheduling a C-section?"
Me "God no! No C-section. I mean, I don't want it to come out EITHER way, really. Is there a way to give birth through your belly button? I'll sign up for that."
I'll take it back now. I've never paid more attention to this damn button ever in my life.
Here's the best way to describe it; wipe off any sort of lip moisturizer you might have on. Now, hook one index finger in each corner of your mouth and pull as hard as you can. Feel the stretching, burning, itching sensation your lips are experiencing? Now imagine that not only being the skin surrounding your belly button, but also the button itself. It's miserable.
Saturday afternoon was spent rubbing baby oil on my belly and trying to push the skin back toward the center to recreate what my belly button USED to look like, while getting some temporary stretching relief.
So, let's review. Here is what happens to your body during pregnancy.
First, you can get violently ill and have horrible headaches that last for weeks. But that isn't always the case for everyone (lucky bitches) so I'll talk about what happens to all of us.

  • Mad itchy tits AND nipples (and I hate that word so you know it's in the interest of full disclosure that I'm even saying it) that feel as though they've been set on fire. Oh yes, and also every few weeks, they hurt so bad you can hardly put a bra on. Oh! AND they have lumps in them so big you'll be running to the nearest oncologist to make plans for a full mastectomy. 
  • Feeling your boobs physically touch the top of your tummy when you sit down. For those of us whose boobs' undersides have never anything except the bottom of our bra cup, this is especially frightening.
  • Swollen lady parts. OH YOU HEARD ME! They don't hurt but they sure do look ugly as hell. That's probably why you can't see them on your own without the aid of a mirror.
  • Loss of breath from doing NOTHING due to your lungs being pushed up somewhere just beneath your collar bone.
  • Having your heart beat RACE like you just sprinted around the block, but really did no more than blink your eyes.
  • Massive side-stitch pains just above your hip bones and along your sides.
  • Skin that is stretched and shiny and itchy in your abdomen and, as mentioned before, a belly button that hurts like hell.
  • No longer making it through the night without peeing as your bladder is the size and shape of a deflated bike tire.
  • Getting to feel the indescribable sensation of having your ribs kicked from the inside.
  • Having a foot push into your stomach.
  • Dark splotches on your face that no amount of makeup can cover up.
  • Feeling nauseous every time you lay flat on your back, and
  • Peeing just a little bit every time you sneeze.
I can see why this is so very appealing.
Add to that the fact that my legs have been KILLING me lately. So sore!!  I'm clearly a little slow because it only just occurred to me that this was due to carrying an extra 11 pounds around while going through my normal workout routine. Try wearing a weight vest the next time you hit the gym. Fun, ain't it?
And without further ado, the latest installment of the belly pics *gulp*

Still my friend? Hang tight, baby. It's only going to get worse.

Also, a little lesson here. A friend donated her old crib to our cause and we set it up a tad prematurely. I hope this baby can fight for its rights because this territory has done been claimed!

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