Tuesday, May 17, 2011

5/17/2011 - Hey, Guess What?

I have a massive rash on my tits! What fun! It showed up sometime on Saturday evening and has been holding steady ever since. It travels nowhere but the boob area, stopping right at the perimeter. This is awesome. Just when I thought I was out of shitty things to talk about, up pops the boob hives! They're hot and itchy and irritated with sweat (which rocks as I'm still working out 8 hours a week) and nothing is making them feel better. I bet SH finds me even more desirable now.
Oh, and speaking of sex appeal, the other night we were getting ready for bed. I was sitting at the edge of the bed, facing the pillows (profile to SH) with my knee bent sideways, applying my nightly regimine of lippy and hand cream when, out of the corner of my eye, I saw SH look down to my upper thigh (right where it meets the ass cheek on the side there...I had on short shorts) and touch it ever so gently. IMMEDIATELY I knew something was wrong with my body. The touch had that sort of sympathy feel. I looked down to find about 5 dimples of fucking cellulite on my upper thigh!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? This has to be some sort of a joke. I screamed and jumped up.
"Oh my god! Oh my god! Where did that come from? What IS that!?"
SH looking as though he wished he never touched it
"Honey, Jesus! Look at me! I'm a fucking WHALE and now I have cellulite!?"
"It's not a big deal, babe. You're pregnant"
"My THIGHS aren't pregnant! Holy shit.  My whole body is going to hell. Why did you TOUCH it!?"
He sat thinking. What would be the right answer? He opted for the truth.
"I just wanted to see what it felt like."
Oh my god.
"Next time just go to the fridge and caress the god damn cottage cheese! This sucks!"
So there. TWO things. It just keeps right on sucking.
I've also decided I hate the floor. Like, HATE...THE...FLOOR. Why does everything have to be on the fucking floor? Shoes, feet, bags, cats that want to be picked up, low shelves in the kitchen, the cat box. It hurts to bend over now. Hurts to scrunch down. It feels like I'm wearing a huge, fully stuffed backpack in the front of my body, IN my body. I lean over and my lungs feel like they're going to pop, my stomach wretches its juices toward my mouth, my eyeballs bulge. It's horrible! I can't tie my shoes without groaning and panting like a dog in heat. Getting a Tupperware lid requires me to hunker down to an "all fours" position and crawl my way to the back of the cabinet.
We went to a party on Sunday and I was talking to a girl who was drinking a bottle of water. She went to screw the top back on and it fell on to the floor. I audibly gasped like "Oh no! Now what?" as I watched it spin a lazy circle. I was really upset, almost angry. Then I realized I wasn't the one who had to pick it up. That was a great feeling.
5 weeks and 2 days to go, or so they say. I think the math might be off here.
I'm wondering if once I give birth that I'll feel all light and empty inside right away. Like I can just sit up and take in a full lung of breath. Whew.
I sure hope so.

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