6/12/2011 - The Final Frontier

Well we can start the countdown, kids. If things go according to plan (and you KNOW they always do) I should be delivering in 11 days. Whew!
Everyone always complains about the last few weeks of pregnancy. I thought it was mainly due to discomfort, which certainly is part of it, but there is so much more than that.
It is uncomfortable. My belly feels like if it stretches anymore, I'll burst. Picking stuff up off the floor or tying your shoes, as I've mentioned before, is crazy uncomfortable. If you stand for too long, your back hurts. The Braxton Hicks' contractions are coming much more regularly so you feel as though your belly (uterus) is on constant lock down. The baby is big now and strong as a bull, apparently, and the movements, although not as busy, hurt a hell of a lot more. Especially when it waits until you bend over to deliver a kick to the underside of your ribs. I couldn't point to my intestines now if you paid me and when I get that I-have-to-go feeling, it's no longer in my lower abdomen, it's somewhere in my side. I didn't eat for three hours today while we were at a baby care class (more on that later) and by the time we got home I was shaking so violently I had to lay down right on the kitchen floor. Sleeping sucks now because you have to get up to pee three times, rather than once or twice AND each time you get up it feels as though you haven't allowed yourself to pee in weeks. It HURTS. If you stay in a sleeping position too long and then decide to move, awful cramps wrack your belly and sides. That's just the physical parts. People out in public start talking about you like you aren't even there. I got out of the pool at the gym the other day and one of the two gents in the hot tub said to the other "Whoa! She's gonna POP! I hope it's not here!". WTF? I can hear you, asshole.
Mentally, you know you've carried this baby around for 10 months. Enough is enough. You're tired, you want your body back, your old sleep patterns, the ability to touch the floor without barfing, but you also want to meet your baby. What will it look like? When is it coming!? So, all of this plus the anticipation and anxiety over having a baby come in to your life. It's exhausting!
We took a Baby Care Basics class today at a local hospital that was about 10% informative and 90% boring as hell. They actually had a five minute discussion on how you should never shake your baby. Um, does this need to be taught? Although, one father-to-be raised his hand and asked if we should be buying "those helmets" for our babies to protect them from bumping their heads against lord-knows-what, so maybe things do warrant explaining. They talked about "tummy time" and "kangaroo parenting" and all sorts of ridiculously named activities you can do with your baby. I think I can figure that much out.
The class after (which we did NOT sign up or stay for) was a breastfeeding class. We all know where I stand on this so I won't bring it up again but I do have to say this...WITH MEN??? A room full of men going through 2 hours of breastfeeding lecture!?! Is that really the place for MEN? I'm sorry! Call me old-fashioned but that gave me the vapors something FIERCE! Even if my plan was to breastfeed, I'd sit there and learn it next to some random dude over my dead body! Talking about nipples and sucking and...oh my god. I'm going to faint. Why does this birthing thing have to be such a "both of us" experience!? Is nothing sacred? Can us women have nothing private anymore? Things just to ourselves that we can share and talk about and support each other with? What next? Inviting your man to come to your annual pap-smear? What about the colonoscopy? I get that he's a part of the baby too, but he doesn't need to be EVERY part of it when it resides in my body. The day they figure out how to allow men to have babies, we'll be signing up for another one. Until then, settle back with your scotch, put your feet up and watch baseball on the hospital's waiting room TV. I got this shit.