Thursday, December 16, 2010

12/16/2010 - Surely you jest

I have not announced to any of my agents that I am "in the family way" as of yet because I feel like any "showing" I am doing here can easily be camouflaged by an empire-wasted top. I think you can't REALLY tell if I'm in clothes (and Sweet Husband is the only one who sees me WITHOUT clothes and he already knows), so who cares, right? Maybe this is just what I'm telling myself. I figure I'll spill the beans around month 4 or 5 when I need to start being cast for Pampers commercials, which I will totally embrace.
Two days ago I got a call from my theatrical agent (this means TV and movies if you aren't an aficionado on industry jargon) saying I have an audition for one of the CSI's and, if I get cast, I will need to be in a skirt and a bra as I am being held captive by a rapist. I know what you're thinking, "My god? A rape scene?? While you're pregnant!?" Know what my thought was? A BRA???!! I totally panicked, ran to the nearest mirror and threw my shirt up. Staring at my bulging belly and love handles that have recently appeared I say "Uh, yeah. Okay, sure." Jesus CHRIST! So I go to the audition in a super loose skirt and white tank and as soon as I walk into the room with the casting director, I suck my gut in as hard as I can (not an easy feat when something is actually IN there) and do my scene, praying he doesn't see the flab-alanche. However, once I leave I'm struck with the horror of WHAT IF I DO BOOK THIS? It doesn't shoot until after Christmas! Surely I'll be bigger then and without a shirt, how can I suck it in? What a disaster! I mean please!!! WHAT casts between Christmas and New Years?? This is an outrage.
I've decided today that I will seek out a dietitian to deal with this matter head-on. So if any of you know of a good one, leave the info here. My flabby thighs thank you. And before any of you hop on the bullshit bandwagon about "You are forming another human! You are not flabby, you are pregnant! That baby needs extra calories!" let me be the first to tell you, I don't want to hear it (and btw, babies need 300 extra calories, not 1,000). My actual baby bump is hardly even there. What IS there is the load of crap I've been shoveling down my throat to attempt to calm my nausea and get food to STICK. And it has stuck all right. Between my inactivity (napping almost every day) and eating food reminiscent of a stoner, it has stuck. But it's about to be unstuck.
I'll post a photo when I can bear it.
Genetic testing tomorrow. I'll post if it's really a child or some strange gilled creature created from my martini bender the weekend before I found out I was pregnant.
Over and out!

No comments:

Post a Comment