So, I've been sick lately. I'm not talking a little under the weather sick. I'm talking serious mal de mer. Nausea, multiple puke sessions (I've learned the kitchen sink is really the most desirable location for such gifts), spinning rooms, massive headaches. Disgusting. So I'm standing in my kitchen after a particularly grueling 2 hour workout followed by a 5 minute heave-ho, and a voice says to me (yes, I hear voices) "You're pregnant". Say what? I think this is ridiculous. This can't be. I mean, yeah, I went off the pill 3 months ago when the hubs and I thought we would have biological kids. Everyone says it takes forever to go "back to normal", whatever that means. So I feel I have some time here. Anyway, after that decision I started thinking about being pregnant. I mean, REALLY thinking about it. *shudder* New decision! It is not for me. "I'm sure it's lovely and beautiful for some" I said to him one lovely night over my second martini "but it just isn't my style. The big belly, the...thing moving around in there. I mean, a HEARTBEAT inside your body that isn't YOURS? Weird. Hemorrhoids?? I hear you get hemorrhoids! And don't even get me started on the labor part. I get the vapors just thinking about it." I made a mental note to see my lady doctor in the next few weeks and get back on something stat.
This is absurd. I'm going to Walgreen's today anyway, I think, so why not grab a test, just in case? So I do, laughing as I check out and giving way too much information to the confused checker. "I don't really NEED this" I laugh "It's silly really. I'm just going to be throwing good money down the drain!" She tightens her lips as if to simulate a smile.
I get home and wait a good 2 hours before busting that little box wide open. "So stupid" I say as I'm reading the directions. Pee on the stick, lay flat, leave for three minutes. Got it. Except as soon as I put it down and finish peeing a + has already started to appear, exactly 20 seconds later. I squeeze my eyes closed. No way, it just has to...rest...or...like...figure it out for a second. It's too soon! It's not three minutes! What does it know!? I run out of the bathroom and grab my cat. "Tuffy, this isn't happening, right? We're okay. We're good." I go back in the bathroom three minutes later to find the darkest + sign I have ever seen in my life. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" Tuffy scratches me to free himself from the insanity. "No! How did this happen! It can't be!" Immediately I take a picture with my phone and send it to the hubs with the caption "uh oh".
As soon as he gets home, I dissolve into tears. We then decide maybe it was a false positive (I have now learned positives are never false, only negatives). I pee on another stick and make him look. "It's a +". We decide I purchased the cheap brand of tests and race to the nearest drug store for the most expensive ones they have. "99.9% accurate!" it boasts. Perfect. I decide to wait until the next day. Maybe all the alcohol I drank during the weekend is messing things up. Next day, I pee, hubs looks. "Two pink lines, honey. I think it's official".
So here we are.
Women who have had babies always LOVE to tell you how wonderful it is. You've never felt sexier! It's so amazing! I loved being pregnant! I can tell you from PERSONAL experience, they are either suffering from dementia, complete sadists or lying through their teeth. And I'm only in week 7.
At my husband's urging, I have decided to start this blog, Pregnancy Blows, to detail the honest-to-God TRUTH about what goes on. And to make it okay for all women out there not to adore being with child.
I will start with today;
6am - woke up to serious stomach churning and massive headache. Sweet husband brings me a banana.
6:50am - take a bite of a dry English muffin in hopes I can actually eat today
7:15am - take a seat in my car to drive myself to school and immediately grab the plastic bag that I now must always travel with and dry heave
8am - arrive in the parking lot at school and decide I can hold out no longer. It's either here or out there among the public. I grab for my Ralph's bag (very poetic, methinks), twist my torso into the foot space of the passenger seat and proceed to empty what little contents remain in my stomach. Once finished, I feel absolutely no better.
8:30am - take a test in my ASL class and share my focus with both the teacher, and the nearest trash can
11am - leave school and grab a bagel in hopes that will stay put
12pm - arrive home and drive heave into sink
2-3:30pm - take the deepest nap in history, wake with a splitting headache
6pm - eat some dinner, feel vile and wretched for the rest of the night
Those women are right, this IS beautiful!